No, Thank You

I once read in an etiquette column that if you open a gift in the presence of the person who gave it to you, you don't need to send a written thank-you note. The only exception I can think of is a bridal shower or baby shower; even if the bride- or mom-to-be opens all the gifts in front of everyone, I still think personalized written thank-yous are required. When my kids have birthday parties, we always send out thank-you notes as soon as possible thereafter, although I'll admit it sometimes takes us a week or two to finish them all up.

So Julie went to a birthday party on Saturday for one of her school friends. The birthday girl did not open any gifts at the party. (I have heard of parties where the birthday child opens all the gifts during the party, but I'm very glad to say that's "just not done" around here—it must be excruciating for the guests. And it seems likely that the birthday child might inadvertently hurt another child's feelings either by saying something like, "Oh, I already have this" or by tossing aside a "boring" gift in favor of a more "exciting" gift.) So today I—and all the other guests' parents—got this e-mail from the birthday girl's mom:

I wanted to say thank you for coming to [Daughter]'s birthday party. [Daughter] enjoyed having so many of her friends celebrate her 4th birthday. My family came back to our house, where we spent many hours playing with all of the great gifts that she got. Thanks again for  making her birthday very special.

I so don't approve. How is this little girl going to learn that it's important to thank someone for giving her a gift? She didn't even get to say thank you when she initially received the wrapped gifts, because we all just piled them up on a table.

Update: Someone e-mailed me privately and wanted to know what in particular annoyed me about this. It's mostly that the mom sent a generic thank-you message to all the parents in one group e-mail. I took the time to shop for a gift I thought the girl might like, and to wrap it; Julie drew a card and decorated it with stickers (and I wrote the words). The least I would have expected would be a personalized, private e-mail message.

Comments

[Brooke]

Just curious, what would you have done?

[Liz]

I think that "daughter" needs to invite fewer children to her party if the thank yous are such a burden for the family.

[Anne Glamore]

As you can probably tell from my blog, Thank You Notes are a BIG deal here, and we (and of course my boys) started early.

To answer Brooke, depending on the age of the child, I'd have bought PRE-printed (ha!) thank you cards or made them on the computer but had my child fill in the name of the toy and the name of the kid, then sign his own name.

It's just an exercise in being grateful and understanding that a written, personal thank you means something. ESPECIALLY these days, when an email takes 1/100th of the time.

It's a pain in the ass, but I think it's a lesson that's worth instilling.

[Karen]

We always send out thank-you notes to the people who bring gifts to the kids' parties. Stephanie writes her own out; Pete can probably start to this year, but last year he dictated them to me and then signed them. When they were really little (Julie's age), I just wrote them myself -- but I always had the kids draw something on it or help me with the stamps, or whatever, just to make sure they were in on what we were doing.

[Mir]

I'm with you. That's just tacky.

I make Chickadee write her own notes, now. Monkey dictates to me and then signs his... although for his next birthday (his 6th) I may allow him to graduate to the "fill in the blank" cards so that he can do it all himself.

[nina]

I really don't think this is such a big deal. I have enough paper and mail to keep track of around the house, whether or not we get thank you card from a seven year old just doesn't bother me. The kidlet is happy to go to your party and bring you a gift, and he's happy when you come to his.

[dana]

I always made my kids write them. They wrote them,I never mailed them. Every so often I find a stack of thank yous around the house. OY!

[Margaret]

My nephew wrote Thank you for the gift and his mom made a bunch of copies to send. No thanks is right!

[Karen]

But, you know what, Dana? At least your kids learned the importance of thanking someone. Whether the person knows s/he got thanked is, at least for kids, secondary.

[Karen]

Margaret, I still think that's a step up from this mom sending out a group e-mail, without her kid's involvement at all. At least your nephew now knows that you're supposed to say thanks. But I agree, a little personalization would have been nice!

[Nancy]

Of course we all know adults who never send thank you notes...lessons learned early and all that. I do have my children send thank you notes. I have to say all of their friends also send them and my children enjoy getting mail. Good all around.

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