Immutable Laws of the Beach

People who always sit near me at the beach—specifically, upwind of me on a breezy day:

1. The cigarette smokers. They are easy to identify because they are usually not American: The men are wearing Speedos and the women are wearing tiny bikinis regardless of their body shape. I'm sorry, but it's true.

2. The guy who smokes a cigar while barking at someone nonstop on his cellphone.

3. The people who set up their whole freaking living room under a giant tent but neglect to anchor the tent securely into the sand. One strong gust and the whole thing comes flying over, threatening to impale each member of my family with its pointed stakes.

4. The teenage girls who spray each other with that horrible new aerosol sun lotion.* I can see the cloud of mist just before it settles in my lungs.

5. The teenage boys who vigorously shake out their sandy towels.

*I can't get out of the habit of calling it sun lotion, although I suppose that's an improvement over suntan lotion. I know I should say sunscreen or sunblock, but old habits die hard. I also can't retrain myself to not think that a tan looks healthy.

Comments

[Elena]

We say suntan lotion or even "sun oil". At least you get to go to the beach!

[James]

As a seagoing acquaintance of mine often says: "... and that's why I hate The Beach."

But he means a different kind of beach.

But actually, I am not a beach person. We live within view of the water and within walking distance of a beach where I've gone swimming perhaps once, in high school. I love the shore, but am not so fond of the beach. And you've hit the nail on the head with your list.

If you decide to use a different word, "sunscreen" always seems more appropriate to me because it simply prevents a portion of the solar radiation from being absorbed by your skin. Even the highest stuff doesn't block all the radiation, so "sunblock" feels misleading, especially when you can get a good sunburn if you try hard enough.

The really greasy variety which is less than 10 SPF? That stuff is called "cooking oil." :)

[Joel]

Wow! We were just on Cape and encountered none of these creatures... Maybe it was because we got to the beach at 10am and vacated by Noon. "Head of the Meadow" Beach in Truro? New favorite!