No Deal! (Oh Wait, Wrong Show!)

Here is an excerpt of an email I just received from the Associate Casting Producer for the ABC show "Wife Swap":

We are currently casting for our fifth season and we are looking for FOODIES.

*Are you super competitive?
*Do you enjoy a wide variety of foods and love to write about it?
*Are your kids involved in the food community as well?
*Do you love to travel?

If so, we want to hear from you!

The premise of Wife Swap is simple: for seven days, two wives from two different families with very different values exchange husbands, children and lives (but not bedrooms) to discover what it's like to live a different family's life. It's an interesting social experiment and a great way to see your family in a whole new light. It is shot as a documentary series, so NO scripts and no set. It's just one camera that is documenting your life.

Oh. My. God. Can you even imagine? I figure they would pair me with a mom who thinks that a homemade dinner consists of a can of cream of mushroom soup mixed with a can of tuna fish and a pound of noodles in a casserole dish. I'd arrive at their house and faint when I saw the Velveeta, Pringles, and margarine; the other mom would show up here and wonder why everything says "Whole Foods" on it and who the heck cares if their chicken gets to run free before the Colonel gets his secret recipe on it?

Andy and I have a game where whenever one of us says we'd never do something, the other one makes the person name their price. For example:

Me: I'd never do that show!
Andy: What about for a million dollars?
Me: Well, yes.
Andy: What about for $900,000?
Me: Yes.

etc. etc. until we arrive at the exact sum—to the penny!—at which we can be bought. We haven't finished this round yet, but I can assure you that my final figure will be considerably higher than whatever ABC is offering.

Comments

[Sara]

That reminds me of a game David and I used to play. We would tap songs on the woodwork and making the other person name that tune. We have a wild marriage.

[Gail]

I swear I don't watch this show. But you know how once in a while you'll be flipping through the channels and WHAM, you get struck by the complete insanity you are witnessing? Okay, so I've seen the show. The only thing I remember is the family that ate only raw food. Now I'm not talking about raw food vegetarianism (which I still think is kind of nuts). I'm talking about raw, aged meat. Oh. My. God.

[Naomi]

Your game with Andy reminds me of one Bill and I sometimes play. It's called "Death is not an option." It goes a little something like this:

Would you rather {disgusting option A} or {disgusting option B}? Death is not an option.

Really it's just about topping each other with disgusting options. Very mature, yes?

[adamg]

Smart decision. We watch the show relatively regularly and at the end of every single episode, the only real question is which family is more unhinged (I remember that show with the family that eats fermenting meat!).

[margalit]

That sad thing is, you're WAY too normal to be chosen for the show. Now, if you were a homeschooling vegan kosher orthodox Jew with a black hat husband who believes that women are there to serve him at all times, THEN they might take you on. But just shopping at Whole Foods? Not radical enough at all.

That show kills me because they find the weirdest freaks to be on it. Horrible husbands, controlling wives that think they are witches and pirates and lord only knows what else. It's so obviously fake.

However, I'd welcome Supernanny into my home in an instant and I'd love to see her tangle with my 16 year old twins. THAT would be some good TV.

[debbie]

I cannot imagine. I would either kill the family I had to live with or they would kill me. Simple, really.

[Sheila]

I can make it easier for you... if you want to experience the life of someone who eats tuna fish casserole, forget ABC and just come over to my house... not that anyone but the grown-ups eats tuna around here. Plus I'm the only one who ever makes it, as Dan's cooking is quite healthy. Sorry, no Velveeta, no Pringles, so I guess I can't provide a complete shock to your system. But I would be happy to swap the next time that Andy is planning to make those ribs!

[Karen]

Naomi, I used to play that game with my mother-in-law, but we had to stop when one of us gave the option of sleeping with Dave, this unfathomably repulsive electrician we know -- we were unable to top that with anything more disgusting.

[Karen]

Sheila, neither Andy nor I will eat tuna fish, which I have often suggested is one of the reasons we got married -- either of us would have been hard-pressed to find another grownup who would promise never to bring it into the house.

[Sharon]

I think my own family might like the break from healthy eating. They would think they died and gone to heaven with KFC, Kraft Mac n Cheese and Pringles! But the other family would be very disappointed when I showed up with the Cascadian Farm cereal!

[Brooke]

Margalit is right. ABC would never pick you because you are WAY TOO NORMAL (that's a compliment). The show is ridiculous the way each wife is so off the wall in whatever direction. Ever heard of a happy medium?? Of course, I watch it every week :)