Got the Time?

Yesterday I whined a bit about parents who don't notify the school when their kids will be absent—or who do notify the school but fail to give the required information. I also mentioned parents who bring their kids to school late every single day. This struck a chord with Margaret (a teacher), who left this comment: "Do NOT get me started on parents who bring their kids late every day to school...." You're preaching to the choir on this one, Margaret.

I have absolutely no patience for people who are late all the time. In my mind, chronic tardiness does not indicate "Oh, I'm so scatterbrained!" or "Oh, my life is so hectic!" No, it means, "I have no respect for other people." I know that sounds harsh, but I really believe it. Being late more often than not carries an implicit assumption that everyone will wait for you—whether it's your dinner companions at the restaurant or the co-workers at your meeting or the members of your carpool.

It's one thing to be late all the time, and it's quite another to make your kids late all the time. Until kids are old enough to get around themselves, they rely on their parents. If your kids can't get up, get dressed, get breakfast, and get to school all on their own, then it's up to you to do make it happen on time. If your second-grader is a slowpoke, you the parent have to move things along. Pick out clothes the night before, have cold cereal for breakfast, prepare a backpack "packing list"—whatever you need to do.

I think that parents who allow their kids to be late to school frequently are doing them a terrible disservice. Sure, it's no big deal if you miss the first five minutes of school when you're in third grade—that's not the point. The problem is that the kid learns that there are no consequences for being late. "I come late every day, and nothing bad ever happens!" But it does start to matter in middle school and high school, and certainly beyond. What happens when you're late to the theater? The show starts without you and you don't get to go in until intermission. Late to your job interview? Back to Monster.com you go. Late to the airport? Plane goes bye-bye—without you.

I've mentioned before a wonderful management training course I took back in my in-house days. One of the things we learned—something that seems so simple when you take a minute to look at it—is not to reward behavior you don't want.* The classic example is the guy who arrives late to every meeting. What usually happens is that everyone waits around for him, thus reinforcing his assumption that his lateness is no problem. He has no incentive to arrive on time, because he knows that the meeting won't begin until he gets there. It's very likely that this is a completely subconscious realization—he doesn't come late as some sort of power play, he comes late because he can. In our course we learned to begin the meeting even if it means that important input is missing or that material will need to be gone over again. When the guy walks in, he'll find that someone is mid-sentence, and that he has no idea what went on already. Let him know that his lateness does matter—and that it's not a good thing.

I remember an open house with the middle-school principal and all the parents of incoming middle-schoolers. After a brief introduction and the first few few questions and answers, a mom entered the meeting, late, and had the nerve to ask a question—which just happened to be something we'd already covered! The principal was gracious and re-answered the question without hesitation, but the rest of us were scowling. At the very least, the mom should have prefaced the question with, "I apologize in advance if you answered the following question before I got here, but...." But no, as far as she was concerned, the meeting began when she got there.

Be respectful of other people's time. It might not seem like a big deal to you if you're five minutes late, but there may be repercussions you can't even fathom. You might have set in motion a domino effect that will take the rest of the day to right. Or you might just piss someone off.

*As with most things I learned from this course, not rewarding unwanted behavior also happens to be one of the keys to parenting. If your kid whines for a cookie and you say no, whines for a cookie and you say no, whines for a cookies and you say no, whines for a cookie and you say yes, guess what the kid learns? Whining works. Think about it.

Comments

[ilinap]

Standing ovation here. Clap! Clap! Clap!

[Tonya]

You are right on! Tardiness is totally disrespectful. And I can't get over how many parents I know who just don't get that "don't reward bad behavior" rule! Drives me nuts.

[Margaret]

Yes, it did hit a chord. Now kids even walk in late with an excused tardy from a parent, carrying a Starbucks coffee. YOU HAD TIME TO GET A COFFEE, BUT STILL CAN'T GET HERE ON TIME? To me, it's a slap in the face and disrespectful of what I'm trying to do and teach in my classroom--which,as well as curriculum, includes important life skills like punctuality and good attendance. Won't they have to have those attributes on any JOB? See, I got started after all...

[Deborah]

Here, Here! I've had this argument with people with kids (read: family) - who assure me that because I don't have children, I cannot begin to imagine what it's like to be responsible for someone else. Since I don't have kids, I can't argue that point - I just try to make the "teaching personal responsibility" point.

And that point about the whining and the cookie? If I had a penny for every time I've used that example...well, let's just say my nieces and nephews (all 10 of them) have learned to only ask *me* something once.

[Naomi]

Oh heck. I'm one of those people you all disdain. I am frequently a few minutes late and am struggling to avoid passing this annoying characteristic along to my children. In my (pathetic) defense, I am always on time for professional engagements -- it's the getting the two small children out the door on time that I fall short on. (That and not ending my sentences with prepositions!) I hear and respect what you're saying, but it's hard for me in real life to get it all together.

[jo]

I can't even begin to tell you, well maybe I don't even have to tell you how many people arrive late to classes, don't show-don't call and then later expect to make up the class because they missed it.
Thus making me look like the bad guy when I explain that I bought in the food for their class and they didn't let me know so i am now out the expense. Some have argued with me for so long about it that I give in sometimes just to keep the customer happy. It is not an ideal situation, but what do you wan a happy customer or a pissed off customer who often feels that they did nothing wrong.

I used to have the chefs hold a class until people arrived, but I now I just let them start and late arrivals either catch up or miss out on the recipe. last week someoone arrived an hour and 15 minutes late to a 3 hour class! I think it's rude to everyone who arrived on time and paid.
Stand up to the tardy!

[Sharon]

My office just had a meeting where the director had to address lateness. Of course it would have been better to address the offenders individually, but she did it in a group setting. Anyway, her point was, if you are having touble getting to work everyday on time, or several days a week, you need to adjust something. Leave earlier, get up earlier. Change something in your morning routine. I'm amazed that adults need to be told this. When I have to be somewhere, I calculate in my mind what needs to happen before then and how much time it will take. Same with my kids. I make sure they are on time to school and activities. Someday they are going to have to show up to a job on time. It's just rude to continually show up late.

[Steve]

Amen.

[Stephanie]

My former boss was late to everything . . . clients, referral sources, etc. I started to feel like a nag. My favorite is that he was late for more than ONE plane ride, and he was horrified that he needed to pay a fee to rebook! Come on. This isn't a subway ride for $2, it is a plane ride for hundreds.

Late, late and late. His kid hated to be late, and my boss really tried hard to be ontime for him, but he was late, just not as late.

[amy]

I teach spinning at 5:45am and 6am at different clubs. About 3/4 of the people show up on time, 1/4 are late. I start on time every time out of respect for the people who got there 5 minutes early so they could get a full hour workout. It amazes me how many times the late people complain that I start the class on time instead of waiting for them to arrive!

[Nancy]

I have clients of very long standing--about 15 years--who schedule meetings at their office and show up late every single time. The designers and I always arrive on time or a little early, and we always sit around for 15 or 20 minutes wondering when the client team will mosey into the conference room. There's never an apology or an explanation. After 15 years, we're sort of used to it, but it's still maddening.

[Liz]

Karen - you obviously have done great job with your kids, but I have had an awful time getting my son to school in elementary school. He hated to go and had me in tears quite a few times; we live a 4 minute walk there! Nina, on the other hand is so easy to get ready. I'm never late with her. With Henry we were late about 10-13 times a semester during the K-5. I have post-traumatic stress from the 6 year ordeal. Middle School is more pleasant for him and hence he gets off to school well. So it's not so simple with children being late to school. There may be underlying issues. Some days, and some not so long ago, I wanted to take a long walk off a short pier - it was HARD. My father was tough. In the sales-business, if someone were 5 minutes late, he would leave!

So I would blame me and I do with the caveat that it was the combo-platter of me, Henry and his hated-school that led us to be chronically late.

[Nancy]

I have to agree that there are often other issues. While I will own that I am personally late often, I do not take school tardiness lightly. Getting to school on time was very difficult for us and it wasn't for lack of trying on my part. Everyone has different challenges in their lives at different times and it is important to remember that.