Getting Used to Being Home

I am nearly done with my hospital posts, but not quite. I'm finding that this whole experience is taking me a while to work through. Last night I woke up several times and imagined that I was in a hospital bed, complete with side rails and a 40° head inclination.

I was in switched-on mode for a whole week, and really fell apart only on Friday—granted, for most of the day, but still. All the other days I didn't cry or let down my guard even once. I was on a mission, and that was to get my kid the care she needed so she could recover and go home. It was in so many ways an altered state of reality. I didn't think about showering (although I'm sure some of our guests wished I had!) or eating or sleeping or work or any other obligations. I did think about Pete and Julie, of course, but I knew that Andy was on top of that situation. At one point I do recall asking him if he'd fed the cats, and he had. He bought a different brand of toilet paper than we usually get, but hey! He bought toilet paper! Who am I to judge? I was focused.

As sorry as I was feeling for Steph (and myself), it didn't take much to put things into perspective once we got to Mass. General. My kid is dragging an IV pole to the game room, and there's another kid doing the same, but this one's bald. Here's a girl who says, "Why are you here? I have a tumor!" There are toddlers in rooms that no one can go into without full infection-protection garb. There's an infant getting passed from nurse to nurse because she has no one there with her—we're told that she's headed for foster care. There are kids who are greeted with hearty welcomes because they've been there so often that everyone knows them. There's a girl with her entire head wrapped in white gauze, with one lone braid hanging out the back—who knows why?

So, I am grateful that Steph has a manageable condition, at least for now, and that this blip on the screen was unprecedented. I hope that we will be attuned to future flare-ups and can nip them in the bud before they get quite this bad, but in any event, I am very content just to be home with the whole family. The prospect of an uneventful weekend never sounded so appealing.

Comments

[Sara]

No one is as good at holding it together in the face of sheer terror as a mother who is fighting for her kids. Glad that she's feeling better and hope that you start to feel back to normal soon.

xoxo

[Rachel Kagno]

Gosh, what an ordeal! Glad to hear Steph is home and doing better.

[nina]

Isn't uneventful often the most beautiful thing ever? I wish you a whole lotta nothing for the rest of the summer.