This is something that happened over a week ago, but it's been weighing heavily on me, so I'm hoping that the act of writing about it will help me manage the many emotions swirling around inside.
It was a week ago Friday, just after 5pm; I was working, Andy was on the stationary bike, and the kids were here and there. Suddenly Andy shouted to me to come down immediately. He had gotten off the bike and was stretching, and just happened to look out the window and saw our elderly neighbor across the street lying by the curb. We both raced out the door and ran to her. She seemed unhurt, and had apparently just slipped on the ice. It couldn't have been long that she was lying there, because she wasn't yet shivering even though she was soaked from the icy puddle at the curb's edge. She is about 90 and has dementia, so we had to reintroduce ourselves to her although we've known her for about 13 years now. There was a time when she knew all our kids' birthdays and got them gifts, and we used to go over there on Christmas Eve, but for several years now she hasn't known us, although she's very happy every time she "meets" us.
She was alone and had no coat on, so Andy asked where her husband was (they go everywhere together), and she said, "Oh, he's at work." Well, he's also close to 90 and it was Friday night and the car was in the driveway (yes, he still drives), so Andy feared the worst: that he had died and she had gone outside to get help and then forgot where she was going. I ran inside while Andy was helping her up the walkway to the front door. I called for the husband, and I heard him shouting. I traced his voice out to the back walkway, where he had fallen on a different patch of ice! We decided that what had probably happened was that he fell and called for her, but she went out the front instead of the back and fell there. I have no idea where she was intending to go when she fell.
So Andy sat her down in the kitchen and came out to where I was shouting for him. The husband was lying face down in the snow and had clearly been there 20 or 30 minutes anyhow. (He had been trying to shovel a path to the garage.) He was completely lucid and could thrash around but couldn't get himself up. We managed to hoist him up (and in the process threw out our backs and were lucky to get squeezed in for chiro appointments on Monday), but he couldn't stand. I ran in and got a kitchen chair, wedged it into the snow, and Andy plopped him in it.
I ran back in and called 911 while Andy waited out back and held the husband upright in the chair. Meanwhile, the wife had vanished, and I panicked but soon found her upstairs trying to get into dry clothing.
While we waited, we managed to find their kids' phone numbers. We reached the son and left a message for the daughter. Then came all the excitement with the firetrucks and EMTs. They took them both to the ER to check them out, and we knew that the son was on the way, so we closed up the house and went home.
I went over the next day and saw them, and they were both fine, and very grateful. The daughter was there, and she pulled me aside to say that she's been trying for 3 years to move them to an assisted living place, but they won't hear of it. She can't legally force them to move, and they simply refuse. She said to them in front of me, "If Karen and Andy hadn't found you, you would have frozen to death overnight!" and she's right, but they do not want to give up their home and their independence. It's an awful situation.
All I keep thinking about is WHAT IF Andy hadn't noticed her lying there? It was getting dark, and we live on a side street that is not very well lit and doesn't get much traffic. WHAT IF she had in fact gone out the back door and slipped right next to her husband? No one would've known they were out there. WHAT IF they were our parents? I have lost so much sleep worrying about them, and there's nothing I can do.
We were behind the fire truck heading home.....
So hard .....so very hard. Thank goodness you were home.
Posted by: Stephanie | February 25, 2013 at 07:31 PM
I have been down this road. It is indeed an awful situation with no easy answers. Thank God you and Andy were there.
Posted by: Elena | February 25, 2013 at 07:33 PM
I don't think there's anything you can do, except to be alert. And I think you know what would have happened if you and Andy hadn't come to their aid. Thank goodness for you two!
Posted by: Drmomentum | February 25, 2013 at 07:40 PM
Hey Karen,
Your neighbors are so lucky you were there to help. Of course, you thought of your parents. How could you not. It's very hard watching them age. Both of my parents passed (mom at 63, dad recently at 76) and sometimes, to be honest, I'm envious of those who still have their parents. I wish my parents could have enjoyed their retirement and lived longer. I know, if my parents were still alive, they'd definitely want to live in their homes as long as possible. Our parents don't want to lose their independence.
Posted by: Linda @whatevergirldc | February 25, 2013 at 07:44 PM
How frightening! Fortunately you are people who knew how to do the right thing on instinct.
Try to let go of the "what if" and stick with the "thank God."
Posted by: Sandy | February 25, 2013 at 07:46 PM
How unsettling. Would they consider getting a personal alert system (like the "I've fallen and I can't get up!" kind)? I imagine someone with dementia wouldn't be able to use it but the husband could. My grandmother had it and used it a couple of times. It also gave all of us some peace of mind and reassurance that she would be able to get help if she needed it.
Posted by: Janice | February 25, 2013 at 08:22 PM
Maybe they would agree to some sort of Life Line system. It is inexpensive enough and help is just a button away. There is also a company, Great Call. They make a cell phone and for a fee it can be tied into an emergency response system.
Posted by: Ellen | February 25, 2013 at 08:24 PM
This is horrifying - and all too common. My grandparents had something similar happen to them, and their three children finally staged an "intervention" which was painful and sad and horrible for everyone but, similar to how you might convince someone to enter a treatment program, they basically told them "no" wasn't an option anymore. Especially when you're dealing with dementia AND frailty, taking a hardline approach is sometimes the only way, as much as it sucks. I commend you for being such caring neighbors! They are very, very lucky to have you.
Posted by: Courtneylarking | February 25, 2013 at 08:25 PM
You done good. Our job is not to be such giant pains in the butt for our kids when we're 90.
Posted by: Wendy | February 25, 2013 at 08:27 PM
We spent 3 years with my mother-in-law in this type of situation before she passed away recently. She went back and forth between living alone where we were always afraid for her and assisted living where she was terribly angry with us because she wanted to stay in her home. The police brought her home more than once when she wandered off. It is so hard to watch someone who is physically capable deteriorate mentally and have to take their independence away from them. Your neighbors are very lucky to have your family keeping an eye out for them.
Posted by: Sharon | February 26, 2013 at 08:03 AM
Oh my gosh. Thank goodness you were home and noticed what had happened! I absolutely understand that situation, as I have recently moved my parents into assisted living. But we started having "the conversation" about a year before. We also installed LifeLine in their home and it was a huge help. I understand what you mean about losing sleep over it. Believe it or not, assisted living isn't always the best situation either. Especially if parents are truly not happy there. :( It's so awful getting old. And it breaks my heart just thinking about it. Sigh.
Posted by: Rachel | February 26, 2013 at 09:33 AM
I have some good friends who make a product called GrandCare. It's a monitoring and communications system that could help in situations where elderly people want to stay in their homes. Really.
Posted by: scott | February 26, 2013 at 08:51 PM
How scary!! Thank goodness you and Andy were home. Richard's dad has fallen a few times lately, so his parents are getting a life-alert system. It won't help if the wife is too disoriented to know to push the button, but it sounds like the husband could have, if he'd been wearing it. It won't solve everything, but maybe it would help.
Posted by: Janet | February 26, 2013 at 11:07 PM
Karen, I am so sorry, and so grateful that everyone is okay! But I second Janet. It might be a nice compromise for your neighbors and their kids, and perhaps you could help by being one of the numbers given to emergency services to contact if they get called. My mom has an emergency medic alert necklace and the one time she needed to use it we were all extremely thankful that she had it.
Posted by: Katy | March 01, 2013 at 08:50 PM